i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
