i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
