when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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