so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
