The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
