OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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