tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
