Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
