So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
