Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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