Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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