so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
