you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
