I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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