She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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