Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
