remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
