I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
