out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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