Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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