she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Mom said you looked used
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
