She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
