Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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