I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I faked an abortion last night.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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