How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
