cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
