She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
