That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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