Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize