Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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