Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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