my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
