when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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