Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
