bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
