I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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