My vagina just recognized that song.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
True strength comes from lack of pants
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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