he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
