They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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