also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
