I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
