stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I supernannyed him into submission
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
