I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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