I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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