No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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