Betty ford says i'm here all night
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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