you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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