I wannas sexs uuuuu
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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