I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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