i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
