i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
