i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
