what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
