Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
