if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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