I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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