Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
