im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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