Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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