How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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