I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize